I just caught myself dead in the middle of a self-destructive habit I have, and actually stopped before it went all the way to its usual conclusion. Boy, was it an eye-opener!
When I'm alone I tend to wool gather. I let my thoughts drift and I lose focus on what I am working toward becoming--a happier, healthier person who is bursting at the seams with joy. Instead of keeping my "eye on the prize," I let the self-torture begin. If you read one of my recent blog articles, "My Last Confession," you already know that I can beat myself up almost non-stop, if I'm not careful. (This article, by the way, was just published on the Associated Content site. Read it
here.)
Well, I just caught myself toward the beginning of the cycle and managed to derail it. This isn't to say that I've never caught myself before, but this time it was much more a consciousness choice, as opposed to a conscious choice--meaning that it was a spiritual decision to change my behavior as opposed to just noticing it.
Here's the sequence of events ... see if you don't resonate with it just a little (I can't be the only one who does this!):
I was paying attention to something from my distant past, which brought up a lot of sadness, pain and guilt. After wrestling with it for a little while, I decided to distract myself with some chocolate. It wasn't a conscious decision, I just found myself getting up out of my chair and heading for the candy dish. Suddenly I realized, "WOW! You weren't even going to enjoy that chocolate, you were just going to stuff it down your face to take your mind off of how bad you feel."
Then I saw the domino effect that this action, had I taken it, would have caused. I would have felt physically worse after the brief, yummy flavor burst. It would have made my stomach feel like it needed to eat something healthy. I'd open the fridge to do so--even though I'm not hungry yet and just had breakfast--and since I'm feeling lazy and poopy from the bad thoughts and candy I would have just grabbed something quick (and decidedly not healthy).
This would have then made me feel worse about myself, both physically and emotionally, which would have then caused me to eat something else in an effort to feel better, to sort of self-medicate with food--a chain of events with no end.
Now, this behavior isn't a surprise to me. I know that I do this from time to time, but this is the first time I ever really saw myself doing it as though I was watching a movie of someone else doing it.
I'd like to think that this wide-awake view of my behavior is a result of having written The Last Confession. Instead of going down the old path of feeling like crap about what a "useless dirtbag" I am (yes, I can be extremely cruel to myself), I was reminded that I have been absolved of all the past stuff, and that includes the ancient sitution I was about to bury under a few layers of food.
I think I'll go get a glass of water with a shot of lime juice instead (my favorite drink). That will give me the flavor burst I crave and it will also make me feel healthier, instead of ickier.
Yay! Waking up can be fun sometimes.
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